Letters to Santa (if time, money and the laws of the universe were no object!)

We’re constantly being told that Christmas is a time for magic and for giving. What if we could combine those things and get a gift for Christmas that really made a few wishes come true?

Here’s our impossible Christmas list …

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More hours in the day, just for riding. Dear Santa, can we have an extra 2 hours of sunny daylight, every day, all year round for shredding the trails please? Ideally some sort of magical seal that stops work being able to get their hands on them would be ideal. Seems like a fair ask to me mate.

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Bigger balls. Hey Saint Nic, any chance of a magic pill that I can drop when I just can’t get over that annoying drop off that’s pissing me off? Maybe I can keep them in my Camelback for a quick-fix of Bigger Balls just when I need it. All I need is to do it once and everything will change!

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A bike holiday abroad that has no impact on work or family. Hello Father Christmas, I’m in need of a break, god knows it’s been a while since my last riding trip but I’m so busy with the kids and work and that bloody dog. Can I have a week in the sun, on the trails, riding the dusty trails and come back as if I had never been away? You know, no email mountain, no stressed out wife having looked after the kids for a week, no dog that’s needed walking. Is that too much to ask?!

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Insta-fit. Hey Kris Kringle, so my friends are all much fitter and faster than me and keep leaving me gasping at the back of the pack on every ride. By the time I reach the top they’ve had a rest and are off-again leaving me perpetually riding alone, fat and tired. Any chance you can give my fitness a quick upgrade? I don’t need much – just enough to destroy my friends up every climb. Reasonable?

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Wheelies. Hey Christkindl (apparently that’s what you’re called in Austria). So I’ve ridden some amazing trails, around the world, with some amazing riders. I can jump, I can drop, I can ride pretty happily – but can I pedal along the high-street on my back wheel smoking a fag like a 14 year old youth? Can I shite! Please Chris, make my dreams come true, allow me the gift of the wheelie this Christmas. (and not just a couple of cranks either please, I want to do long-as-hell, non stoppers all the way from home to work). Ta mate.

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The perfect tyre. Hey Kanakaloka (Hawaiian Santa), Any chance of the perfect tyre that will feel awesome all year round, never need changing and will never run out? I’m talking fast rolling, super grippy, long lasting, sheds mud well, grips hardpack, never gets punctures but doesn’t feel wooden. I’m sure your elfs can knock that up in a jiffy? Mahalo!

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Aches-and-pains-away. Hey Jolly fat man, how’s it going? When I stand up my knees hurt, when I bend over my back hurts, when I corner my wrist hurts, when I ride off-cambers my hip gets the cramps. They’re all from hard-work and hard-riding so it seems unfair that I should still have to put up with it. Can you – or maybe the Baby Jesus – combine your Christmas magic and save me some bother for the new year? Cheers bro!

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The elusive 2 seconds. Listen you jolly fat bastard, I’ve been racing hard all year. I train my bloody arse off. I’m fast as you like and I win practice every time – I’m completely pinned! All I need is 2 seconds from somewhere and I’ll completely kill it. I’ll make the podium, I’ll qualify at the World Cup and I’ll destroy the field. Let’s be honest, you can fly 510 million km’s in 32 hours, travelling 1,800 miles per second – I’m sure you can spare a couple of seconds for me? Come on mate, give up the goods!

That’s it! That seems like a reasonable Christmas list right? We don’t want to be greedy!

What’s on your fantasy Christmas list?

Photo credit to Eyes Down, Aspect Media and Duncan Philpott.


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