Tall Tales is a collection of our favourite crazy bike-related stories from our favourite riders, racers and industry legends.
Everyone has that story that they wait until the end of the night to pull out when the anecdotal oneupmanship starts to get into the final round. Tall Tales is a collection of our favourite bike-related stories from the best in the business.
This week’s Tall Tales comes from Mr BasqueMTB, Doug McDonald, featuring exfoliating vans, ‘mincing’ and surprise fellatio.
Words and photos by Doug McDonald.
Photo by Sam Needham.
Ridiculous guiding stories. We have had a few of course. The story which I like best was from the first group I ever guided, back in about 2009. They contacted me and wanted a free trip because they were “in the industry” and “good guys”. During negotiations they told me that they were very good riders and didn’t pay guides ever, they even offered skills training in return for guiding.
Back then I was renting a van when we had groups and it cost me a lot to guide people. Often it cost me more than I earned but that was how I started to build my business. We came to the arrangement that if I couldn’t keep up they wouldn’t pay. I had nothing back then, I was so skint it wasn’t real but it seemed worth the risk to get to guide some people from USA who were “industry” and could help spread the word about basqueMTB. The first thing which went wrong was that they turned up a month early, who knew that the Americans put their dates the wrong way round and 6/7 is actually the 7th of June…
I solved that issue but on the first descent I was nervous. I set off first with the group to follow, giving it my all. After a second realised I didn’t have anyone on my tail. I looked up the hill and breathed a firm sigh of relief; they would be paying the full amount. In Scotland we call it ‘mincing’. They were good guys though and we had a real laugh about it.
There are loads of funny things which have happened over the years. We had an old van when we started, a big white builders van which had all the bikes stacked in the back. It was basic but a means to an end. There are so many funny memories about that van. I remember the time when the guests slammed the side door shut and it just fell off into the road.
Or the time when the gearbox started failing on the way home from a trip and we made it home, just, but after dropping the guests off I only had 5th gear. I managed to get across town using the horn so I didn’t have to slow down at lights etc. I drove it right across the kerb, abandoned it in my mechanic´s garage and he rebuilt the gearbox ready for the next trip.
The next van I bought was a lovely shiny black, until I washed it and all the paint peeled off leaving a hideous yellow. One time I left that van at the top of the hill and at the end of the day rode back up to get it. It was how we did uplift back then.
Arriving I found the battery flat, there was a car ahead and I could see there was someone sitting in the passenger seat with the door open. As I walked around the car to ask them to give me a hand I discovered that his girlfriend was kneeling outside the car with her head in his lap. I really spoiled that for him I guess. They drove off fast and I pushed the van down the hill, ran round and jumped into the drivers door and bumped it myself.
We’ve had other stories, mostly around times when things went really wrong or guests were really badly behaved. People drinking too much, being ignorant, overstating their riding ability or just having their egos challenged and taking it out on everyone around them. I wouldn’t write them down in print though because it wouldn’t be fair to the people involved. Maybe one day we will share a beer or three and then I’ll maybe tell you about them.
